Sunday, March 20, 2005

躲也躲不了

你有照鏡的習慣嗎?我沒有。

起床梳洗,我總是跑來跑去:含著牙刷在電腦跟前讀電郵,拿著毛巾在窗邊望街,目光總是迴避洗手間裡佔了半倒牆的鏡子,即使看也只看頭髮的凌亂程度!

自小都不愛照鏡,自覺生得醜,自悲得很。中學時代,我算是矮小的一類,雖跟女孩子算有兩句,但早已斷定沒有女孩喜歡,只好暗暗偷望喜歡的女孩。

最近節目裡談談「型象」,信主多年,口雖說自己帶著神的型象,但始終覺得不可愛。洗澡時看見鏡中赤著身子的影子,比看見別人的裸體更不自在。

晚上看「星期日檔案」,訪問了幾個「隱蔽青年」(即終日留在家中的雙失青年),不少躲了數年,躲得自信全失,本來青春的面孔,被折騰得面目全非。

我想,每個人都喜歡躲:有人躲在名牌手袋裡、有的躲在前衛衣飾中、有的躲在工作中,儘量令人看不見、認不出真實的自己,避免赤條條的站在人前。

詩篇139:15 "You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something"

在祂裡面,我們都躲不過避不了,因為祂是我的創造者;在祂面前,只有一個選擇:做回自己。

8 comments:

Yam 飲者 said...

史提夫畸畸多時不見,想不到「神化」起來了。
我有照鏡的「習慣」(其實不算是習慣,只能說每天都有此行為吧),但我也躲。
我躲在學術殿堂裡,讓自己也以為自己很有學問。
我也做了兩年多「隱蔽中年」,多見電腦少見人。

話說有個N年沒見的舊同事,數月前不知怎的來了愛丁堡生活,不知怎的知道我在這裡,又不知怎的得到了我的電郵。農曆新年前發來電郵,說邀請幾個香港朋友到家裡吃飯,邀埋我。我回覆說:
Thanks for your invitation, but I don't think I am coming. I am autistic. I am afraid of meeting people. I am afraid of gatherings. I am afraid of festivals.

好隱蔽。

史提夫畸畸 said...

或許這些年頭,一直找不著支點撐著「倒楣」的歲月。神化了,或許就是「認命」罷!

Fai@London said...

若說到躲,我也有好幾年的日子。或許大家都人到中年,總嘗過生命中的倒楣歲月吧!我喜歡史提夫畸畸的「神化」,正如我欣賞飲者滿腦子的鬼主意;我們都好隱蔽,但在這裡,我們有分享,我們又相見。

Yam 飲者 said...

阿輝哥,你就真係好隱隱蔽喇。潛晒水,突然間又浦頭,十足高人作風。
你又咪話畸畸咁快人到中年,剛剛三十出頭咋,采!

Fai@London said...

Dear Yam,天下何其大,倫敦任我行也!三十而立,四十而古惑...哈!

Dot said...

hahaha...it appears to be an AV man talk tim......不如你地一齊拍番套"AV", 硬撼彭浩翔啦

Unknown said...

我做過兩年暑期工跟車,穿背心,孖煙囪短褲,那時即使是在工廠區,我也會不由自主的自卑,特別是工廠區的文員小姐出來吃飯的時候。

我大概很在意人家怎看自己,很多思慮都使自己常常收埋自己。大概,直至太太以愛來接納我以後,這情況才好一點。而後來在禱告中奇蹟地感到上帝真真實實地接納我時,我才真的開始發現自己。

雖然現在間中都會自卑,但那些被接納的經歷卻常常成為我的幫助。

::Pakkin::
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HCDC said...

This remind me of two aspects of what I have been thinking recently. One is being honest to yourself and the second is to hide. It is very hard for me to be honest in my work. But that is really what I need to go through. And after near 2 years here, I suddenly found that I couldn't involved in this city. And I hide myself. Hiding because don't want to be reject, to be isolate. Just like what Wong Kar Wai film always said (i am not his fan, ok?), don't want to be reject by others, so reject the others first.